My Cancer Camino has two parts since I have had to deal with two cancers in my life: first with ovarian cancer and second with gall bladder cancer. Almost 16 years apart and at transitional stages in my adult life. My first experience I jokingly called “Cancer College.” Let me begin my story with my first brush with cancer.
In 2002 at the age of 44, I gratefully graduated from Cancer College with a Bachelors degree in Ovarian Cancer. I had a minor in Post Tramatic Stress since the diagnosis of ovarian cancer in September 2001 at the age of 43 coincided with the destruction of the World Trade Tower, a hit to the Pentagon and a hijack of several jets. I did not feel safe in my body or in the world. I was angry with the Higher Power for forcing me into this situation at a time in my life when I was financially & physically strong.
My daughter had just graduated college in 2000 so I was able to spend some money on myself. I was in the throes of English horseback riding at the time. This is a very pricey sport as well as physically demanding. I was riding 3 to four times a week and learning to navigate courses with different jumps & turns, cleaning stalls, showering, feeding & tacking up the horses as well as exercising them. I was able to enjoy a canter as well as the thrill of being on a galloping horse. That sport came to a screeching halt, never to return. Another layer added to the Post Traumatic Stress.
On top of the interruption of my English horseback riding, my teaching was put on hold. It was the first September since I began kindergarten that I did not make my sojourn back to the classroom. I felt lost without my teaching; I missed the children and the partnership of my fellow teachers. I did not know what to do with myself during the school days while my friends and family were at work. I sought out some classes at The Gilda Club in Hackensack to direct my mind to positive activities but I was around people that were living long term with active cancer or dying from cancer. I was fearful that this would be my fate as well but soon realized my situation was very different from theirs. I befriended another woman with ovarian cancer, however, she passed away about a year after our diagnosis. More layers to the Post Traumatic Stress.
My medical cancer education started earlier in 2001 when the radiologist that was following my trans-vaginal sonograms of my ovary insisted I return for one last sonogram because my ovary was enlarged. I had several large ovarian cysts for about 5 years. They ruptured and they healed and in March of 2001 I did not have any cysts but the size of the ovary was enlarged. The radiologist explained my ovary may be inflamed from years of rupturing cysts so he was concerned with the possibility of cancer developing. This went right over my head and did not register as a concern. About 3 months later I went for a routine blood test. I developed hyper-calciemia which I originally thought was a good thing. This turned out to be extremely dangerous and prevented me from having surgery until corrected. Ah, both these things went right over my head but to the doctors they were very big things.
The trans-vaginal sonogram and a CAT scan confirmed a mass in the abdomen. A special gynecological surgeon was needed and it was difficult to find one available around Labor Day weekend. I have come to learn that the time of year you need medical attention can effect where you have the surgery and where it is done. I had the surgery to remove my ovaries, fallopian tubes and a uterus riddled with fibroids. I had two surgeons to do this procedure since the banana size tumor on the CAT scan looked as if it had ruptured and attached to my intestines. Instant menopause set in….and I was told I could not have hormone replacement of any sort. So, add another layer to the Post Traumatic stress.
Then came six rounds of chemotherapy with taxol and carbo-platin every three weeks. Other than the usual nausea, constipation, fatigue and immunity problems, I also lost every strand of hair on my entire body. It was fun for a while to wear a red wig…until the hot flashes hit then I wanted to tear it off my head. Trying to sleep through the night was impossible with the hot flashes and lack of hormones. I had hot flashes all through the day and was constantly pulling clothes off or layering them back on. I felt so uncomfortable in my skin. Constipation in the early part of the chemotherapy created a incisional hernia which needed to be repaired by another surgery the following summer.
Through this first experience I learned a great deal about the medical, physical, emotional, social and spiritual impact of cancer on a person. It took years to process through the Post Traumatic Stress of this illness. It made me appreciate each day of good health, strengthened my drive to live each day to the fullest and value each person in my life.
Buen Camino 